Review: “Ultraviolet”

Before I went to see this movie, I found it interesting to learn that Screen Gems didn’t allow for pre-release review screenings.  This, as we have come to learn, is the mark of a bad film.  if the company doesn’t let reviewers see it, then those reviewers can’t tell the world what a turkey the movie is.

Okay.  We have now ascertained that ‘Ultraviolet’ was a bad film.  Here’s why.

One of my pet peeves with current moviemaking trends is movies which eschew niggling little details like, oh, PLOT, character development, and SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF in favour of giving a leggy woman some guns and having her spend 90 miniutes blasting holes in faceless drones who apparently couldn’t hit the ground if they used a laser sight.  In addition to that, ‘Ultraviolet’s cheesecloth-like plot was made up primarily of scenes from OTHER MOVIES: ‘Blade’, ‘The Matrix’, ‘Equilibrium’ ‘Lone Wolf & Cub’, and ‘Gloria’, with a little ‘GATTACA’ and ‘Fahrenheit 451’ to try and be ‘edgy’ and ‘futuristic’.  I was blowing raspberries at this thing five minutes into it.

The opening credits told me everything I needed to know about this film:  The credits are printed on (non-existent) issues of the ‘Ultraviolet’ comic book, with the covers done by some actual comic artists.  (I could’ve sworn I saw one by Dave Stevens in there: Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.  Do you need money THAT bad?  Are those people making you do drugs?  You have to get out of LA, Dave, that place is killing you.  Those people – those people don’t love you Dave, not like we do.  Come back to us, Dave.  Do you remember?  Do you remember Pacific Comics, Dave?  Wasn’t it FUN?  It can be like it was.  It can be FUN again.  Just come back to us.  We can get you the help you need.  We love you Dave, and we miss you.  Come back to us.)  It was obvious that the makers of this film are huge comicbook fans (there were also parts of Howard Chaykin‘s ‘Cyberella‘ and the miniseries ‘Accelerate‘ accreted to the tissue-paper plot), and HAD THEY MADE AN ACTUAL COMICBOOK, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OKAY.  As a comicbook.  As a MOVIE, it was dreadful.

So, in conclusion: Gunkata, swordkata, blah blah, wait for this to show up on the P2P nets, edit out every scene in which a face-to-face conversation takes place, and enjoy a solid 18-minute action *spectacular*.


2 Responses to “Review: “Ultraviolet””

  1. So I go to England and you go to crap movies. Sounds fair to me.

  2. […] film with furries in it, but considering how much of what comes from Hollywood these days is crap, that wish is hereby rescinded.  I would wish now for some independent folks with access to […]

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